Sorry, I Don’t Do Cats!!!

It’s Friday afternoon and I dip out of the office early with no real concrete plans for the weekend. I cannot begine to express just how happy I am to see this day. My moods swings this week have almost meant the death of 2 Dell customer service reps, random people in traffic, my sister, my “piece”…hell, just about anyone with whom I came into contact.  Nope. It wasn’t a good week.

I stop at my neighborhood Publix to pick up a few things before heading to the crib and veggin’ out. First stop is the bakery where, to my utter disgust, a fly is having his way inside the donut case. Shimmying his nasty ass around that blueberry bagel. BUZZZ…BUZZZZ!  Uuuggghhhh! No late night donuts for me.

After informing the baker of the FLY situation, I head to the case with the “covered & sealed” pies and grab a piece of key lime pie.

I make my way to the back of the store to the seafood department to order my Alaskan King crab steamed with Old Bay seasoning. While I’m waiting my turn, I notice a family of four with the youngest being a baby no more than 1 or 2 years old and from what I can see, a special needs child. The older child is about 13 years old and he’s entertaining the baby with a ball. The baby throws the ball and screams while the teen runs to retrieve the ball. This goes on about 3 or 4 times until the mom shuts it down to the apparent disapproval of the baby who begins to scream and grunt…very loudly.

The following dialogue plays out in my head:

Evil Chocl8t: Ain’t nothing worse than somebody’s screamin ass funny looking child on a Friday evening in the grocery store. Somebody puhleeeze make this shyt stop!!!

Angel Chocl8t: Oh God please forgive me! Ya know that could be me one day with a “special child” and all seeing as though I’m 41 and haven’t had any kids yet. Focus on something else…something positive. Turn around and check out the seafood dishes in the display behind you and pray for your sin sick soul…..Our father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy…..crab n corn chowder? I bet that tastes good.

As I turn back to face the seafood display case, a guy approaches me and following conversation ensues: (note that Evil Chocl8t’s voice resides in my head wreaking havoc)

Random Guy: What am I cooking for you tonight? (he’s smiling coyly)

Evil Chocl8t: NOT A GATDAYUM THANG…NOW STEP THE HELL OFF FOOL!!

Angel Chocl8t: Uuhh, I don’t let perfect strangers cook for me.

Random Guy: Well if you knew my name, I wouldn’t be a “perfect stranger”. (eyebrows raised as if he’s waiting for me to ask)

Evil Chocl8t: That wasn’t code numb-nuts. Uuuggghh! (I’m sure my right eyebrow is raised cause my head is cocked to the side)

Random Guy: Houston. My name is Houston. Now we’re no longer perfect strangers. (He’s still smiling)

Evil Chocl8t: Are you freakin kidding me?!! You corny ass corn ball!!!

Angel Chocl8t: Nice to meet you Houston. (I force a laugh)

I place my order with the clerk. I glance at the contents of his buggy…cat food, cat litter, several other pet related items for the cat I’m sure.

Random Guy: See you should let me cook for you tonight. I’ve gotta feed my cat. Yes, I have a cat, 2 in fact, and I’m buying some seafood to cook. It drives them crazy. The smell that is…watch the Falcons and chill.

Angel Chocl8t: Uhmmm, no I think I’ll pass.

Evil Chocl8t: CATS?!!! KNEEGROW YOU HAVE TWO FREAKIN CATS?!! O’HELL NAWL!!  I’m sure those gatdayum cats are on your kitchen counters right now leaving their lil’ nasty cat hair, licking the utensils and their private parts, lapping up water from the faucet, spraying their nasty fluids everywhere, and coughing up fur balls!! AND….AND you’re trying to cook for some dayum body? You done lost your evah lovin mind!!!!

Finally, I get my crablegs and I turn to leave when “Houston” hands me an old movie stub with his number scribbled on it asking me to call.

Evil Chocl8t: Don’t take that dayum number. You know dayum well you’re not calling this Bama..besides….we don’t do no gatdayum CATS!!!

Random Guy: Oh…and I’m not married.

Angel Chocl8t: Ha-ha…okay.

Evil Chocl8t: Don’t really give a shiiiiiid cause I’m not callin your busted corny ass aneeee waaaayy!! AND….I DON’T DO GATDAYUM CATS!!!!!!

It’s no wonder my evil ass is still single!!

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15 thoughts on “Sorry, I Don’t Do Cats!!!”

  1. I have two cats. I love them, but most people hate them. They say they are sneaky. They sleep in the garage though…

  2. If it wasn’t politically incorrect, I’d say that you are just plain retarded. Since I can’t write that, suffice it to say that you are as funny as H*ll.

    I guess we all have those angels/devils sitting on the shoulders to help us make decisions. Fortunately, my angel usually wins. When my devil wins, people want to know why I’m such an angry Black man.

    I’ve always had cats who come to my back door looking for food, and I end up setting a bowl out for them and buying cat food. I can’t let them in the house though. I’m not a pet person (except a few years ago I had a nice salt-water aquarium). I like to hit the road too often to have pets. They tie you down just like kids. Speaking of which, my kids are grown, now, but, I used to think some of your thoughts and when baby-mam got pregnant – both times – I thought/feared: Am I going to be punished for the thoughts that I had about other folks’ babies?!!! I have seen some UGLY babies!! Who ever said that there are no ugly babies is crazy. Fortunately, mine came out healthily and I dodged a bullet. Tell that devil of yours to watch it. Peace.

    You’re a funny gal. Peace.

  3. I forgot: I’ve never heard of a “Publix”. I’m guessing that it’s a food store which is, apparently, regional. I’ve often wondered about the things that I am so used to, not being available when I am not close to home. Sometimes, we get very “branded” and nothing else will do. I’ve noticed the problem with bread more than anything. I buy a particular brand and I never find it in other states.

    And regarding your statement “heading to the crib and vegging out”, I was ever so grateful for a new commercial (which I hope is not regional) in which the females date asks the male if he’d like to taste her salad. He lifts his burger and says “No thanks – I a meat-a-tarian”. I love it so!! Now, we have our own term!! Oh, yeah, I’m lovin’ it!! Peace.

  4. LOL! I laughed my ass off! I have a cat, but he thinks he’s a dog so none of that jumping up on counters shit goes on in my house! It is entertaining to watch him torture the actual dog we have though…..

  5. YOU. ARE. NOT. RIGHT. LOL!!! I wouldn’t date a guy w/an inside cat. No kitty litter for me, thank you. BUT 2?????? WTH? uh-uh…hell naw–and I like cats…to be outside only catching rats and snakes.

    now lemme get back to LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. LMAO @ you! Me no likey cats either but a man who has TWO must be patient and kind! Two important traits of a hubby/daddy, hint, hint. Also, if he gave you his number on a movie stub rather than a business card, then he isn’t a pretentious (sp) brotha either. Just sayin………. Hell who am I foolin’ I couldn’t put up with no sheddin’, always licking hair ball eitha!

  7. @ Jaila – I want that recipe!!

    @ Anon – I’m one of those ppl that HATE THEM!!

    @ Freedom – I’ve been called retarded b4. LOL Publix is a major grocery store chain in GA and Florida.

    @ BlondeFab – I just can’t do the cats…sorry.

    @ Slaus – Corky baby? …and I’m the evil one? LMAO!!!

    @ Kimmy-Kim – 2 cats!! Makes him sound like a dirty desperate lonely lil man. LOL

    @ Nana – I didn’t bother to ask the cats’ names….I didn’t wanna know.

    @ Eve – Noooo, a man with 2 cats screams L-O-N-E-L-Y!!! or NASTY!!

  8. You know I don’t like cats either but you did not even give the guy a chance before you found out he had cats. You need to take your a.. home on bad mood days and go to the store later after you wind down. I see why you are not married and don’t have children. With your attitude you don’t need them.

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